TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot where American Males can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give everyone a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to stop applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You already know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from space, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after locating the building's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is already attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will likely include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD can have flip-down assistance."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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